Women! Ugh! I swear I'm going to either grow a penis, or just find a bunch of guys that wouldn't mind welcoming me into their circle for nonsexual entertainment. I have been laying in my bed for over 3 hours attempting sleep. But I am so pissed off, I can't fall asleep!
I ended up not having a Christmas. It started back a few weeks, when I was told I would have to work Christmas. I was understandably angry after having worked Christmas last year at the same job. My boyfriend's family did everything they could to take a stab at me knowing it made me angry. Like, "at least you have a job to go to" or "think of all those who have it worse". FUCK YOU! OKAY?! Carie, next time you think, "Boohoo! My husband left me for my best friend." Think to yourself, "Someone else is being cheated on all the time and doesn't even KNOW her husband is messing around with her best friend." Jean, next time you think, "Boohoo! My husband died." Remember that you had over 30 years of being with a man who built you a perfect world your hermit-ass never has to leave. You also have my boyfriend, who happens to be your son. You forced him into some kind of marriage with YOU, sicko!
My boyfriend. Ha! Barely lives up to the claim. I set up "guidelines" to bring our status back to where we were a year ago: he's not allowed to have a drawer in my house; no staying more than two consecutive days in a row; decreased texting; no holidays/birthdays/special occasions together. He said he was bothered by it...then he did a good job hiding that. Because of the bullshit he spat, my Christmas was shit. Then he tried to guilt me by standing up for his smother on my Facebook page. OH MY FUCKING GOD!! You don't say two words to my posts any other time. But when I say something about her, you get all indignant and write a paragraph on my post! AND, you try to make ME out to be the bad person because you stayed at your mother's to "take her to my father's grave". There was no other time for that?! Had to be done at 2pm, when your mother gets up at the crack of fucking dawn? She had to cut into the time, right? Wanted to edge me out so that even though you left MY house at 2pm on Christmas Eve, you wouldn't even be leaving there until AFTER 2pm.
I got her fucking Christmas card. She was careful to choose one that did not say, "Have a Merry Christmas". She also signed it, "Love, Mom and Jim"...you guys ARE a couple, I see. The thing that pisses me off the most, though...how much I have done and sacrificed for you. Your mother has your dad's money. She didn't go to work everyday and work to save. He did. She's generous, alright. So she can use it to guilt you. What would your dad say? Would he have left your mother alone on the holidays to be with his own mother? Would he have wanted to be the reason you didn't spend time with me? I HIGHLY doubt it.
Well, guess what? She's not the only one who spent a ton of money on you. I don't recall birthday gifts from her...course, she was alright giving you up for that day. A day YOU deemed important. I didn't buy you a lot for Christmas, because I had decided to boycott the whole fucking thing. But THE VERY NIGHT I gave in to your Christmas tree bullshit, you sprung it on me that you were leaving my house early on Christmas Eve and would not be able to take me to work.
That's okay. I may have already booked the reservation for a fancy hotel in Indianapolis, but I can still receive my money back. And there's 2 months to do so. Perhaps we are not serious enough for the Sybaris. That's really more for a serious couple. I don't even know if we are, or WERE, serious enough for the Radisson in Covington.
Envy is not a possession. It's a monster that grows and consumes and breeds hatred. You and your charming mother have planted the seed.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Pushing 30
This has been on my mind for a while, but I haven't given into it. I'm two months shy of my 29th birthday. Then I start the one year count-down to leaving my twenties. I'll be thirty in only a little over a year. I've heard from a couple MEN that it's no big deal. Oh, really? Of course it's not a big deal to a person who's hormonal and reproductive systems can stay in perpetual homeostasis all their lives, even if they live to be in their 90s! Or to someone who knows, without a doubt, what they DON'T want. But for someone like me, who's not sure what they want in their future, and certainly does not entertain the idea of keeping things exactly the way they are, the idea of turning 30 is frightening.
It doesn't seem all that long ago that I turned 19. My adulthood didn't really start until about then as my overbearing parental units guarded my every move as a child and a teenager. I stayed with them until I went to boot camp about three months before I turned 18, so I remained in my continued role as a guarded teenager in all aspects of my life and did not gain control of my major decisions until after I left boot camp and became a fledgeling adult 600 miles away from my previous gate keepers. I had so many plans, and none of them turned out right. In fact, as soon as I became an adult, I wanted to cut to the chase and end the life that had just begun.
After the Navy came a whirlwind relationship that took me from some form of dating reminiscent of high school children, to a married, pregnant woman in less than a year. I did not miss out on being young. I had my fill of empty entertainment that I did not feel had injected any meaning or enrichment into my life. But I made a big mistake marrying someone I could not say I was ever really in love with, and for making that mistake, he made me very miserable. He controlled my every aspect of life worse than my own parents had when I was a child. He did prove to me, though, exactly how empty my parents' protection really was.
I have come pretty far from where I was in life 10 years ago. However, this is NOT what I want. I do not feel fulfilled in my part-time life. I need physical and mental security and comfort. The life I lead feels very meaningless and empty. It's a boring life that still seems to drain the life force out of me while leaving me feeling quite empty. I feel lonely and as though I have nothing to look forward to. It doesn't help that I cannot share this with the one person with whom I am the closest, as he is dead-set AGAINST any advances in his own life and would likely not only cringe at any large changes, he might also disappear once any changes started to take form.
I know our time is nearly up. I can feel it. We're just not compatible. And after being controlled for so long, I not only need the freedom to direct my own life, I need to finally find someone more compatible, who will not only welcome certain goals or anticipated events, but will appreciate them as well.
It doesn't seem all that long ago that I turned 19. My adulthood didn't really start until about then as my overbearing parental units guarded my every move as a child and a teenager. I stayed with them until I went to boot camp about three months before I turned 18, so I remained in my continued role as a guarded teenager in all aspects of my life and did not gain control of my major decisions until after I left boot camp and became a fledgeling adult 600 miles away from my previous gate keepers. I had so many plans, and none of them turned out right. In fact, as soon as I became an adult, I wanted to cut to the chase and end the life that had just begun.
After the Navy came a whirlwind relationship that took me from some form of dating reminiscent of high school children, to a married, pregnant woman in less than a year. I did not miss out on being young. I had my fill of empty entertainment that I did not feel had injected any meaning or enrichment into my life. But I made a big mistake marrying someone I could not say I was ever really in love with, and for making that mistake, he made me very miserable. He controlled my every aspect of life worse than my own parents had when I was a child. He did prove to me, though, exactly how empty my parents' protection really was.
I have come pretty far from where I was in life 10 years ago. However, this is NOT what I want. I do not feel fulfilled in my part-time life. I need physical and mental security and comfort. The life I lead feels very meaningless and empty. It's a boring life that still seems to drain the life force out of me while leaving me feeling quite empty. I feel lonely and as though I have nothing to look forward to. It doesn't help that I cannot share this with the one person with whom I am the closest, as he is dead-set AGAINST any advances in his own life and would likely not only cringe at any large changes, he might also disappear once any changes started to take form.
I know our time is nearly up. I can feel it. We're just not compatible. And after being controlled for so long, I not only need the freedom to direct my own life, I need to finally find someone more compatible, who will not only welcome certain goals or anticipated events, but will appreciate them as well.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
It's Us
I need this. I need to be able to say everything on my mind. I feel like insanity is setting in. The fair weather people I know get pissed off if I don't update everyone with nice, happy sentiments. Well, fuck you! I'm NOT you. I don't talk about all the wonder and splendor there is when I'm fucking miserable. The earth's mantle will freeze the day I kiss someone's ass. Especially someone so insignificant as the sister of my boyfriend. I do NOT concede that I am wrong in the little games his mother likes to play.
So...now that I have had a hissy fit, let's just analyze what happened. It started on Thanksgiving, when I received an invitation from his mother to make her a family member. Being momentarily naive, I clicked "allow", and it was given to me the choice as to what to make her. I chose "mother". I went to page to see if it went through, and what do I find? My boyfriend's ex-wife is listed as her "daughter-in-law" and has blocked me (this is evident as I can no longer click on her link). It was a slap in the face, since my boyfriend did not even come to see me after she went to bed and stayed the night there. I let it slide. I was, of course, annoyed. Everyone I've spoken to about this has said they would have said something right then and there. But I was attempting to show what an adult I happen to be.
Then, at work, I am told I will have to work Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the day after Christmas. I was down about it, and even cancelled Christmas for me. I decided I would not put up a tree, buy or accept gifts for anyone but my daughter, and the next available day after my long weekend, I was going to be alone with my daughter. My boyfriend seemed to be upset about my change of plans and wanted to turn things around, which caused issues between us. So, I made a peace offering. Earlier, I had said I was going to do a tree, and he was excited about it, then I took it back and said Christmas was cancelled. So while he was away, I went out and spent a ton of money on a tree, etc. and even endured the misery of getting it home. I typed out in large alternating red and green font, "So Baby, Will you "merry" me?" And this seemed to make him happy. It was my invitation for him to put the spirit back into me.
But what should happen? On the night we're putting up the tree, he tells me he won't even be able to take me to work as he usually does every other Saturday night that I have to work, because he will have to leave early to go to his mother's. Wonderful. Understandably, that did NOT make me very merry. So I told myself, "fuck it all", and told him not to come over at all the two days before Christmas Eve, not to visit me at work, and not to even show up the day after. It was not because I was mad at him, but I could not see a good way for us to part that would not upset me. When I posted to Facebook about being angry about my schedule for the holidays, his sister posted some snide comments about how I was missing the meaning of Christmas. Whatever, bitch. You're only saying that cause you'll be with him for the holidays. The difference is, I would have actually been HAPPY he was there, where she will take it for granted.
Then I noticed something. His ex-wife was listed as his sister's sister. Hmm...that's odd. Then she started blatantly taking jabs at my private life, and people were DEFENDING HER! Including her aunt...who has his ex-wife...listed as her NIECE! It all came clear. But when my boyfriend's niece attempted to friend me, I blocked them all. It was only TODAY that I went to his mother's page and noted that she was eating up the attention. She posted, "you don't know what lonely is". Oh yea? I think I do. All these 30-something years you had a HUSBAND who not only worked for a living and provided you with a family and ensured you wouldn't have to leave the house, he loved you too and was devoted to YOU. What do I have? I have your son 3 days a week, and you cut in cause you were so sheltered for so long, you don't know how to be independent. (Side note: THANK GOD that didn't happen to me with my miserable marriage.) So, for 3 days a week, I sit in an office most of the 12 hours I'm at work...alone. I come home to an empty house, eat a meal alone, and sleep alone in my giant bed. 1 day a week I sit in my bed all day hoping to just fall asleep. And 3 days a week, I have your son.
Your son. I chose that wording. Because he's more your son than he is anything to me. I love him deeply. But we have no kind of future together. He'll never cut the umbilical cord; he'll never be independent; we'll never get married; never have kids; never be a family. So that's it, then. That's what's really wrong. This has never happened while I was writing a blog. I just figured out the problem. It's not them. It's us.
So...now that I have had a hissy fit, let's just analyze what happened. It started on Thanksgiving, when I received an invitation from his mother to make her a family member. Being momentarily naive, I clicked "allow", and it was given to me the choice as to what to make her. I chose "mother". I went to page to see if it went through, and what do I find? My boyfriend's ex-wife is listed as her "daughter-in-law" and has blocked me (this is evident as I can no longer click on her link). It was a slap in the face, since my boyfriend did not even come to see me after she went to bed and stayed the night there. I let it slide. I was, of course, annoyed. Everyone I've spoken to about this has said they would have said something right then and there. But I was attempting to show what an adult I happen to be.
Then, at work, I am told I will have to work Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the day after Christmas. I was down about it, and even cancelled Christmas for me. I decided I would not put up a tree, buy or accept gifts for anyone but my daughter, and the next available day after my long weekend, I was going to be alone with my daughter. My boyfriend seemed to be upset about my change of plans and wanted to turn things around, which caused issues between us. So, I made a peace offering. Earlier, I had said I was going to do a tree, and he was excited about it, then I took it back and said Christmas was cancelled. So while he was away, I went out and spent a ton of money on a tree, etc. and even endured the misery of getting it home. I typed out in large alternating red and green font, "So Baby, Will you "merry" me?" And this seemed to make him happy. It was my invitation for him to put the spirit back into me.
But what should happen? On the night we're putting up the tree, he tells me he won't even be able to take me to work as he usually does every other Saturday night that I have to work, because he will have to leave early to go to his mother's. Wonderful. Understandably, that did NOT make me very merry. So I told myself, "fuck it all", and told him not to come over at all the two days before Christmas Eve, not to visit me at work, and not to even show up the day after. It was not because I was mad at him, but I could not see a good way for us to part that would not upset me. When I posted to Facebook about being angry about my schedule for the holidays, his sister posted some snide comments about how I was missing the meaning of Christmas. Whatever, bitch. You're only saying that cause you'll be with him for the holidays. The difference is, I would have actually been HAPPY he was there, where she will take it for granted.
Then I noticed something. His ex-wife was listed as his sister's sister. Hmm...that's odd. Then she started blatantly taking jabs at my private life, and people were DEFENDING HER! Including her aunt...who has his ex-wife...listed as her NIECE! It all came clear. But when my boyfriend's niece attempted to friend me, I blocked them all. It was only TODAY that I went to his mother's page and noted that she was eating up the attention. She posted, "you don't know what lonely is". Oh yea? I think I do. All these 30-something years you had a HUSBAND who not only worked for a living and provided you with a family and ensured you wouldn't have to leave the house, he loved you too and was devoted to YOU. What do I have? I have your son 3 days a week, and you cut in cause you were so sheltered for so long, you don't know how to be independent. (Side note: THANK GOD that didn't happen to me with my miserable marriage.) So, for 3 days a week, I sit in an office most of the 12 hours I'm at work...alone. I come home to an empty house, eat a meal alone, and sleep alone in my giant bed. 1 day a week I sit in my bed all day hoping to just fall asleep. And 3 days a week, I have your son.
Your son. I chose that wording. Because he's more your son than he is anything to me. I love him deeply. But we have no kind of future together. He'll never cut the umbilical cord; he'll never be independent; we'll never get married; never have kids; never be a family. So that's it, then. That's what's really wrong. This has never happened while I was writing a blog. I just figured out the problem. It's not them. It's us.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
My Declaration of Independence
Okay, so I've been away from this a while. I sometimes feel that while getting everything on my mind out in the open helps while I'm accomplishing the task, I start to dwell on the events and feelings that I have now exposed. I feel foolish as well because I begin to recognize that I am a rare person. I am one of few that is willing to share the raw truth about my feelings and actions where most people I know never share what they are thinking or feeling until the time they astound me with some cold statement or action. This angers me to a level unfathomable, because then not only do I feel hurt, but the betrayal and lack of forewarning makes me feel like everyone with knowledge of it believes I am a total fool.
I don't have much of an update. I did get treated for trigeminal neuralgia. I am supposed to take Tegretol twice a day. However, I am not being a complaint patient because now that my chronic illness has gone into remission, I am the typical client who has decided, "no symptoms, no need to comply". I'm sure once I have an exacerbation I will likely regret not having taken my medication. The good news is that it does not originate from multiple sclerosis or an aneurysm. So I don't have to worry about becoming debilitated or dying a sudden, frightening death from a burst artery resulting in hemorrhagic stroke.
I am also still stuck in my dead marriage. I still want out and I am still in love with someone else. I've all but given up on the hope that I will land a nursing job. It has been over a year now and I still do not have a job. It would figure that I wouldn't. A job is the only thing standing between me and freedom. If I did have a job, I could leave my husband, have a place of my own, have a vehicle, and finally grow up and live as an adult. I'm 27 years old and I have always been someone's ward. The worst part of living this way is that I never wanted to depend on anyone, but I have been crippled by design. Without a driver's license or vehicle, I must seek help in the form of transportation. I suppose it is my fault for accepting "no" as an answer after I became of age and earned the right to make my own decisions. I let other people push me into decisions I never would have made on my own. And now that my life is an utter mess, no one wants to help me clean it up.
However, I am renewed in my hope because I now understand that I am in control of whatever value I possess to those who try to push and hold me. My husband receives no affection, no companionship, and no recognition that he even exists. I no longer push to help those who refuse to help themselves let alone me. I am my own person. I will have what I want. I have come to the full conclusion that this is Della's world too. I deserve to be as free as anyone I know.
I don't have much of an update. I did get treated for trigeminal neuralgia. I am supposed to take Tegretol twice a day. However, I am not being a complaint patient because now that my chronic illness has gone into remission, I am the typical client who has decided, "no symptoms, no need to comply". I'm sure once I have an exacerbation I will likely regret not having taken my medication. The good news is that it does not originate from multiple sclerosis or an aneurysm. So I don't have to worry about becoming debilitated or dying a sudden, frightening death from a burst artery resulting in hemorrhagic stroke.
I am also still stuck in my dead marriage. I still want out and I am still in love with someone else. I've all but given up on the hope that I will land a nursing job. It has been over a year now and I still do not have a job. It would figure that I wouldn't. A job is the only thing standing between me and freedom. If I did have a job, I could leave my husband, have a place of my own, have a vehicle, and finally grow up and live as an adult. I'm 27 years old and I have always been someone's ward. The worst part of living this way is that I never wanted to depend on anyone, but I have been crippled by design. Without a driver's license or vehicle, I must seek help in the form of transportation. I suppose it is my fault for accepting "no" as an answer after I became of age and earned the right to make my own decisions. I let other people push me into decisions I never would have made on my own. And now that my life is an utter mess, no one wants to help me clean it up.
However, I am renewed in my hope because I now understand that I am in control of whatever value I possess to those who try to push and hold me. My husband receives no affection, no companionship, and no recognition that he even exists. I no longer push to help those who refuse to help themselves let alone me. I am my own person. I will have what I want. I have come to the full conclusion that this is Della's world too. I deserve to be as free as anyone I know.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Okay, so if anyone is reading this, I have new things to complain about. This time, I think they're pretty valid complaints.
I may or may not have trigeminal neuralgia (TN). I had suspected TN before I went to my doctor's on Tuesday. I never told her that I knew anything about TN, just gave her my symptoms and she thinks it's TN as well. I have to schedule an appointment to have an MRI with contrast performed. I can't afford it, but it has to be done. I'm in severe pain all the time and my doctor, knowing what kind of pain I'm in, is treating me ONLY for the preceding migraines and not the pain attacks that follow. So now I stop the migraines and I get hit with the pain attacks without warning.
I can't really describe the amount of pain I experience during these attacks. It's worse than anything I've ever felt in my life. And while people can shower their unwanted pity on me, that is NOT what I need. I need a ride to my doctor's office, the pharmacy, and the MRI place. I don't need, "Aw, I'm sorry." or "I'm worried about you, Della." I figured as much. But that isn't going to help me! And I definitely don't want people spreading MY news.
At this point, I am about to commit suicide. I haven't thought it out completely. I need a mode to do it and swallowing anything wouldn't work since I can barely drink a soda. I have thought about slitting my wrists, but then I wouldn't have enough time to die before someone found me. I just want to escape all the pain: the TN pain, the migraines, the emotional pain of being in love with someone who doesn't know what he wants and is going through bigger problems than what to do about me, my dad looking down on me like I'm a slut for wanting to be with someone else who is not my husband, and being stuck in a marriage where the man I want to leave is using my child to manipulate me into staying with him. I think death is a far better option.
I may or may not have trigeminal neuralgia (TN). I had suspected TN before I went to my doctor's on Tuesday. I never told her that I knew anything about TN, just gave her my symptoms and she thinks it's TN as well. I have to schedule an appointment to have an MRI with contrast performed. I can't afford it, but it has to be done. I'm in severe pain all the time and my doctor, knowing what kind of pain I'm in, is treating me ONLY for the preceding migraines and not the pain attacks that follow. So now I stop the migraines and I get hit with the pain attacks without warning.
I can't really describe the amount of pain I experience during these attacks. It's worse than anything I've ever felt in my life. And while people can shower their unwanted pity on me, that is NOT what I need. I need a ride to my doctor's office, the pharmacy, and the MRI place. I don't need, "Aw, I'm sorry." or "I'm worried about you, Della." I figured as much. But that isn't going to help me! And I definitely don't want people spreading MY news.
At this point, I am about to commit suicide. I haven't thought it out completely. I need a mode to do it and swallowing anything wouldn't work since I can barely drink a soda. I have thought about slitting my wrists, but then I wouldn't have enough time to die before someone found me. I just want to escape all the pain: the TN pain, the migraines, the emotional pain of being in love with someone who doesn't know what he wants and is going through bigger problems than what to do about me, my dad looking down on me like I'm a slut for wanting to be with someone else who is not my husband, and being stuck in a marriage where the man I want to leave is using my child to manipulate me into staying with him. I think death is a far better option.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Yucky
Okay, so maybe I am a chronic complainer, but I see nothing appealing about this weekend. In Florence there will be playing of computer games, the tv will be on, and then on Sunday there will be fireworks on the horizon...*yawn*. In New Richmond, my mother's family will be gathering in her brother Johnny's yard, singing karaoke, complaining that they want dance music, and drinking. Among the drinkers will include my mother because her family thinks it's funny to give her alcohol to make her act stupid and then expects our dad and her kids to pull her off the table or wherever she has decided would be a good place to dance or urinate. Then they can wag their tongues and fingers at her and us and talk about how lousy and dysfunctional our family is. Meanwhile, in Delhi, I can meet a bunch of people I do not know who do not smoke and do not approve of curse words (both of which I need in order to feel comfortable). There is also a man who has been having a shitty week and is in the worst of moods. I can deal with one or the other. I'm not sure about both.
So my options are shit. Perhaps, I should steal some of my own money that is hoarded by someone else and go out and buy a flask and a fifth of Everclear. Then I can get drunk and have fun no matter where I decide to go. Get good and loaded and people can see the real me. If my sisters had not drank every drop of alcohol in this place, I would start now. I am in no mood to deal with the whining of other people. Like I don't have enough on my own plate. Life sucks. I can't help that. As Craig put it, "Nothing in life is easy, wear a helmet."
Which moves me along to the next gripe. I have, apparently, drawn men to me whom are not sincerely attracted. I'm too tall for Craig. He likes short women because he is short himself. At 5'6", I don't blame him. However, I am only 5'3". I am not towering over anyone except his 4'10" soon-to-be, ex-wife. I am too short for Daryll. He likes tall women for whatever reason. He told me on our second anniversary that he dated a girl who was 5'10" and therefore better looking than I. Then why didn't you stay with her instead of bothering me? And as for Jim, I am the wrong everything for him. He wants a "Jackie": tall, dark hair, no breasts. I am a "Marylin": short, blond, big boobs. In fact, he told me he likes redheads and brunettes. Gee, thanks! Everything I'm not! It gets annoying especially when I have dyed my hair dark brown for a little change. I am a blond. And I will go back to being one. I'm just saying.
So what do they like? My good-natured behavior. Well, I am no saint. I am willing to give emotional support, but I cannot deal with whining like Craig does; I cannot be drained of all my resources in every way and not become exhausted and tapped out as in Daryll's case, and I just cannot play Barbara Streisand's part in "The Mirror Has Two Faces" and not get a little more than pissed off. I want to be someone's perfect girl. I know it isn't going to happen with these men. I am not sure what to do in this situation. I have feelings invested in one person. I am sorry if I am so adverse to the idea that the only thing that he finds attractive about me is that I'm not like the others in my personality. That's not enough to make me feel secure, either. AND, if any of them thought it was a good idea to tell me what they liked in a woman only to for those elements to be things I do not possess...they must have been having one HELL of a big brain fart.
So my options are shit. Perhaps, I should steal some of my own money that is hoarded by someone else and go out and buy a flask and a fifth of Everclear. Then I can get drunk and have fun no matter where I decide to go. Get good and loaded and people can see the real me. If my sisters had not drank every drop of alcohol in this place, I would start now. I am in no mood to deal with the whining of other people. Like I don't have enough on my own plate. Life sucks. I can't help that. As Craig put it, "Nothing in life is easy, wear a helmet."
Which moves me along to the next gripe. I have, apparently, drawn men to me whom are not sincerely attracted. I'm too tall for Craig. He likes short women because he is short himself. At 5'6", I don't blame him. However, I am only 5'3". I am not towering over anyone except his 4'10" soon-to-be, ex-wife. I am too short for Daryll. He likes tall women for whatever reason. He told me on our second anniversary that he dated a girl who was 5'10" and therefore better looking than I. Then why didn't you stay with her instead of bothering me? And as for Jim, I am the wrong everything for him. He wants a "Jackie": tall, dark hair, no breasts. I am a "Marylin": short, blond, big boobs. In fact, he told me he likes redheads and brunettes. Gee, thanks! Everything I'm not! It gets annoying especially when I have dyed my hair dark brown for a little change. I am a blond. And I will go back to being one. I'm just saying.
So what do they like? My good-natured behavior. Well, I am no saint. I am willing to give emotional support, but I cannot deal with whining like Craig does; I cannot be drained of all my resources in every way and not become exhausted and tapped out as in Daryll's case, and I just cannot play Barbara Streisand's part in "The Mirror Has Two Faces" and not get a little more than pissed off. I want to be someone's perfect girl. I know it isn't going to happen with these men. I am not sure what to do in this situation. I have feelings invested in one person. I am sorry if I am so adverse to the idea that the only thing that he finds attractive about me is that I'm not like the others in my personality. That's not enough to make me feel secure, either. AND, if any of them thought it was a good idea to tell me what they liked in a woman only to for those elements to be things I do not possess...they must have been having one HELL of a big brain fart.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
I followed through!
So, I've been losing a bit of weight the last few months. It's fairly evident in my pictures, but even more so when I put on the clothing I was wearing in December. The problem is, that I have almost plateaued. I was losing about 2-3lbs every week. Then something strange happened. My period came ON SCHEDULE!! I actually had a period approximately 1 month after the previous period! And it only lasted 5 days instead of weeks. The bad thing was that I would weigh myself weekly and find a 1lb or no loss. Sooo....
I made up a plan to run as exercise. For me, running is the easiest of exercises. In high school, I was naturally good at it and I'm a very introverted person in real life. I can't shut off my brain. Therefore, running was a good choice for me. The other part of the plan was to eat a BALANCED diet. I'm not a fan of cutting anything out. I think a person can eat whatever they want if they scale back the amount and add other things to their meals. I also DO NOT like frozen or canned meals because they have low grade meat, lots of salt and sugar and they almost ALWAYS contain MSG. You don't have to be a chef to make delicious food that contains proper amounts of nutrients. You just have to think simple and cut out the additional embellishments that contain a lot of fats and sugars. But you don't even have to cut them out all together.
The problem with this idea in my mind is that I have so little control over my life at this point. No time to do anything, fast food, frozen crap, no time for exercise. But last night and this morning, something happened. First, when I was out at the grocery store, I wasn't taking shit from Daryll. I bought what I wanted and moved about the store without paying attention to his complaints.
Actually, we got in an argument and when I went into the gas station on the way back, he took off down the highway to make me think he was leaving me there. Sam must have been crying something terrible because he came back. I had already called my parents from the gas station and told them what was going on. They WERE going to come up to the gas station and take me to the trailer with the cops. Good thing he pulled up before i got off the phone.
Then as we were driving down the road he said something to me and I called what he did "abuse" and he said, "I did it because you slammed the door" (which was a lie; he did it because I told him I wished he would die already). So I got pissed off and screamed, "YOU DON'T FUCKING PUNISH ME! I'M NOT YOUR CHILD!" So he pulled off to the shoulder and told me to get out and I said, "Fuck you." And he said, "I'll wait here all night, then." I said, "I guess you fucking will, then." He got pissed off and drove us back to the trailer. I didn't care. He talked to my parents and didn't say another word to me all night. Went to bed.
I decided this morning to try the running thing. Because it's been a while, I thought I would test myself on 1/2 mile. I didn't think I would do it. I planned on getting out there about half an hour before sunrise for the cool temperature and low traffic. Guess what?! I DID IT!! I couldn't believe it myself! When I got about a quarter of the way in, I thought, "HOLY SHIT, DELLA! You're doing it! You're following through on something healthy!" And you know what else? 1/2 a mile isn't enough. I may rethink that tomorrow if my muscles feel like crap and just redo the 1/2 mile again. But it didn't kill me. The smoker that I am who has been overweight the last 6 years...the goal didn't swamp me. I ran the entire length and barely broke a sweat. It took me all of 5 minutes too. I did stretch and cool down too. I'm thinking about adding in some calesthetics too. Maybe some push-ups and sit-ups or 8 counts. It takes so little time too. I have already showered, sat down to a cup of coffee and wrote all of this.
There has been a change in me. The Della who used to live in this body has come home.
I made up a plan to run as exercise. For me, running is the easiest of exercises. In high school, I was naturally good at it and I'm a very introverted person in real life. I can't shut off my brain. Therefore, running was a good choice for me. The other part of the plan was to eat a BALANCED diet. I'm not a fan of cutting anything out. I think a person can eat whatever they want if they scale back the amount and add other things to their meals. I also DO NOT like frozen or canned meals because they have low grade meat, lots of salt and sugar and they almost ALWAYS contain MSG. You don't have to be a chef to make delicious food that contains proper amounts of nutrients. You just have to think simple and cut out the additional embellishments that contain a lot of fats and sugars. But you don't even have to cut them out all together.
The problem with this idea in my mind is that I have so little control over my life at this point. No time to do anything, fast food, frozen crap, no time for exercise. But last night and this morning, something happened. First, when I was out at the grocery store, I wasn't taking shit from Daryll. I bought what I wanted and moved about the store without paying attention to his complaints.
Actually, we got in an argument and when I went into the gas station on the way back, he took off down the highway to make me think he was leaving me there. Sam must have been crying something terrible because he came back. I had already called my parents from the gas station and told them what was going on. They WERE going to come up to the gas station and take me to the trailer with the cops. Good thing he pulled up before i got off the phone.
Then as we were driving down the road he said something to me and I called what he did "abuse" and he said, "I did it because you slammed the door" (which was a lie; he did it because I told him I wished he would die already). So I got pissed off and screamed, "YOU DON'T FUCKING PUNISH ME! I'M NOT YOUR CHILD!" So he pulled off to the shoulder and told me to get out and I said, "Fuck you." And he said, "I'll wait here all night, then." I said, "I guess you fucking will, then." He got pissed off and drove us back to the trailer. I didn't care. He talked to my parents and didn't say another word to me all night. Went to bed.
I decided this morning to try the running thing. Because it's been a while, I thought I would test myself on 1/2 mile. I didn't think I would do it. I planned on getting out there about half an hour before sunrise for the cool temperature and low traffic. Guess what?! I DID IT!! I couldn't believe it myself! When I got about a quarter of the way in, I thought, "HOLY SHIT, DELLA! You're doing it! You're following through on something healthy!" And you know what else? 1/2 a mile isn't enough. I may rethink that tomorrow if my muscles feel like crap and just redo the 1/2 mile again. But it didn't kill me. The smoker that I am who has been overweight the last 6 years...the goal didn't swamp me. I ran the entire length and barely broke a sweat. It took me all of 5 minutes too. I did stretch and cool down too. I'm thinking about adding in some calesthetics too. Maybe some push-ups and sit-ups or 8 counts. It takes so little time too. I have already showered, sat down to a cup of coffee and wrote all of this.
There has been a change in me. The Della who used to live in this body has come home.
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