Okay, so if anyone is reading this, I have new things to complain about. This time, I think they're pretty valid complaints.

I may or may not have trigeminal neuralgia (TN). I had suspected TN before I went to my doctor's on Tuesday. I never told her that I knew anything about TN, just gave her my symptoms and she thinks it's TN as well. I have to schedule an appointment to have an MRI with contrast performed. I can't afford it, but it has to be done. I'm in severe pain all the time and my doctor, knowing what kind of pain I'm in, is treating me ONLY for the preceding migraines and not the pain attacks that follow. So now I stop the migraines and I get hit with the pain attacks without warning.

I can't really describe the amount of pain I experience during these attacks. It's worse than anything I've ever felt in my life. And while people can shower their unwanted pity on me, that is NOT what I need. I need a ride to my doctor's office, the pharmacy, and the MRI place. I don't need, "Aw, I'm sorry." or "I'm worried about you, Della." I figured as much. But that isn't going to help me! And I definitely don't want people spreading MY news.

At this point, I am about to commit suicide. I haven't thought it out completely. I need a mode to do it and swallowing anything wouldn't work since I can barely drink a soda. I have thought about slitting my wrists, but then I wouldn't have enough time to die before someone found me. I just want to escape all the pain: the TN pain, the migraines, the emotional pain of being in love with someone who doesn't know what he wants and is going through bigger problems than what to do about me, my dad looking down on me like I'm a slut for wanting to be with someone else who is not my husband, and being stuck in a marriage where the man I want to leave is using my child to manipulate me into staying with him. I think death is a far better option.

Yucky

Okay, so maybe I am a chronic complainer, but I see nothing appealing about this weekend. In Florence there will be playing of computer games, the tv will be on, and then on Sunday there will be fireworks on the horizon...*yawn*. In New Richmond, my mother's family will be gathering in her brother Johnny's yard, singing karaoke, complaining that they want dance music, and drinking. Among the drinkers will include my mother because her family thinks it's funny to give her alcohol to make her act stupid and then expects our dad and her kids to pull her off the table or wherever she has decided would be a good place to dance or urinate. Then they can wag their tongues and fingers at her and us and talk about how lousy and dysfunctional our family is. Meanwhile, in Delhi, I can meet a bunch of people I do not know who do not smoke and do not approve of curse words (both of which I need in order to feel comfortable). There is also a man who has been having a shitty week and is in the worst of moods. I can deal with one or the other. I'm not sure about both.

So my options are shit. Perhaps, I should steal some of my own money that is hoarded by someone else and go out and buy a flask and a fifth of Everclear. Then I can get drunk and have fun no matter where I decide to go. Get good and loaded and people can see the real me. If my sisters had not drank every drop of alcohol in this place, I would start now. I am in no mood to deal with the whining of other people. Like I don't have enough on my own plate. Life sucks. I can't help that. As Craig put it, "Nothing in life is easy, wear a helmet."

Which moves me along to the next gripe. I have, apparently, drawn men to me whom are not sincerely attracted. I'm too tall for Craig. He likes short women because he is short himself. At 5'6", I don't blame him. However, I am only 5'3". I am not towering over anyone except his 4'10" soon-to-be, ex-wife. I am too short for Daryll. He likes tall women for whatever reason. He told me on our second anniversary that he dated a girl who was 5'10" and therefore better looking than I. Then why didn't you stay with her instead of bothering me? And as for Jim, I am the wrong everything for him. He wants a "Jackie": tall, dark hair, no breasts. I am a "Marylin": short, blond, big boobs. In fact, he told me he likes redheads and brunettes. Gee, thanks! Everything I'm not! It gets annoying especially when I have dyed my hair dark brown for a little change. I am a blond. And I will go back to being one. I'm just saying.

So what do they like? My good-natured behavior. Well, I am no saint. I am willing to give emotional support, but I cannot deal with whining like Craig does; I cannot be drained of all my resources in every way and not become exhausted and tapped out as in Daryll's case, and I just cannot play Barbara Streisand's part in "The Mirror Has Two Faces" and not get a little more than pissed off. I want to be someone's perfect girl. I know it isn't going to happen with these men. I am not sure what to do in this situation. I have feelings invested in one person. I am sorry if I am so adverse to the idea that the only thing that he finds attractive about me is that I'm not like the others in my personality. That's not enough to make me feel secure, either. AND, if any of them thought it was a good idea to tell me what they liked in a woman only to for those elements to be things I do not possess...they must have been having one HELL of a big brain fart.