My Declaration of Independence

Okay, so I've been away from this a while. I sometimes feel that while getting everything on my mind out in the open helps while I'm accomplishing the task, I start to dwell on the events and feelings that I have now exposed. I feel foolish as well because I begin to recognize that I am a rare person. I am one of few that is willing to share the raw truth about my feelings and actions where most people I know never share what they are thinking or feeling until the time they astound me with some cold statement or action. This angers me to a level unfathomable, because then not only do I feel hurt, but the betrayal and lack of forewarning makes me feel like everyone with knowledge of it believes I am a total fool.

I don't have much of an update. I did get treated for trigeminal neuralgia. I am supposed to take Tegretol twice a day. However, I am not being a complaint patient because now that my chronic illness has gone into remission, I am the typical client who has decided, "no symptoms, no need to comply". I'm sure once I have an exacerbation I will likely regret not having taken my medication. The good news is that it does not originate from multiple sclerosis or an aneurysm. So I don't have to worry about becoming debilitated or dying a sudden, frightening death from a burst artery resulting in hemorrhagic stroke.

I am also still stuck in my dead marriage. I still want out and I am still in love with someone else. I've all but given up on the hope that I will land a nursing job. It has been over a year now and I still do not have a job. It would figure that I wouldn't. A job is the only thing standing between me and freedom. If I did have a job, I could leave my husband, have a place of my own, have a vehicle, and finally grow up and live as an adult. I'm 27 years old and I have always been someone's ward. The worst part of living this way is that I never wanted to depend on anyone, but I have been crippled by design. Without a driver's license or vehicle, I must seek help in the form of transportation. I suppose it is my fault for accepting "no" as an answer after I became of age and earned the right to make my own decisions. I let other people push me into decisions I never would have made on my own. And now that my life is an utter mess, no one wants to help me clean it up.

However, I am renewed in my hope because I now understand that I am in control of whatever value I possess to those who try to push and hold me. My husband receives no affection, no companionship, and no recognition that he even exists. I no longer push to help those who refuse to help themselves let alone me. I am my own person. I will have what I want. I have come to the full conclusion that this is Della's world too. I deserve to be as free as anyone I know.