My Declaration of Independence

Okay, so I've been away from this a while. I sometimes feel that while getting everything on my mind out in the open helps while I'm accomplishing the task, I start to dwell on the events and feelings that I have now exposed. I feel foolish as well because I begin to recognize that I am a rare person. I am one of few that is willing to share the raw truth about my feelings and actions where most people I know never share what they are thinking or feeling until the time they astound me with some cold statement or action. This angers me to a level unfathomable, because then not only do I feel hurt, but the betrayal and lack of forewarning makes me feel like everyone with knowledge of it believes I am a total fool.

I don't have much of an update. I did get treated for trigeminal neuralgia. I am supposed to take Tegretol twice a day. However, I am not being a complaint patient because now that my chronic illness has gone into remission, I am the typical client who has decided, "no symptoms, no need to comply". I'm sure once I have an exacerbation I will likely regret not having taken my medication. The good news is that it does not originate from multiple sclerosis or an aneurysm. So I don't have to worry about becoming debilitated or dying a sudden, frightening death from a burst artery resulting in hemorrhagic stroke.

I am also still stuck in my dead marriage. I still want out and I am still in love with someone else. I've all but given up on the hope that I will land a nursing job. It has been over a year now and I still do not have a job. It would figure that I wouldn't. A job is the only thing standing between me and freedom. If I did have a job, I could leave my husband, have a place of my own, have a vehicle, and finally grow up and live as an adult. I'm 27 years old and I have always been someone's ward. The worst part of living this way is that I never wanted to depend on anyone, but I have been crippled by design. Without a driver's license or vehicle, I must seek help in the form of transportation. I suppose it is my fault for accepting "no" as an answer after I became of age and earned the right to make my own decisions. I let other people push me into decisions I never would have made on my own. And now that my life is an utter mess, no one wants to help me clean it up.

However, I am renewed in my hope because I now understand that I am in control of whatever value I possess to those who try to push and hold me. My husband receives no affection, no companionship, and no recognition that he even exists. I no longer push to help those who refuse to help themselves let alone me. I am my own person. I will have what I want. I have come to the full conclusion that this is Della's world too. I deserve to be as free as anyone I know.

Okay, so if anyone is reading this, I have new things to complain about. This time, I think they're pretty valid complaints.

I may or may not have trigeminal neuralgia (TN). I had suspected TN before I went to my doctor's on Tuesday. I never told her that I knew anything about TN, just gave her my symptoms and she thinks it's TN as well. I have to schedule an appointment to have an MRI with contrast performed. I can't afford it, but it has to be done. I'm in severe pain all the time and my doctor, knowing what kind of pain I'm in, is treating me ONLY for the preceding migraines and not the pain attacks that follow. So now I stop the migraines and I get hit with the pain attacks without warning.

I can't really describe the amount of pain I experience during these attacks. It's worse than anything I've ever felt in my life. And while people can shower their unwanted pity on me, that is NOT what I need. I need a ride to my doctor's office, the pharmacy, and the MRI place. I don't need, "Aw, I'm sorry." or "I'm worried about you, Della." I figured as much. But that isn't going to help me! And I definitely don't want people spreading MY news.

At this point, I am about to commit suicide. I haven't thought it out completely. I need a mode to do it and swallowing anything wouldn't work since I can barely drink a soda. I have thought about slitting my wrists, but then I wouldn't have enough time to die before someone found me. I just want to escape all the pain: the TN pain, the migraines, the emotional pain of being in love with someone who doesn't know what he wants and is going through bigger problems than what to do about me, my dad looking down on me like I'm a slut for wanting to be with someone else who is not my husband, and being stuck in a marriage where the man I want to leave is using my child to manipulate me into staying with him. I think death is a far better option.

Yucky

Okay, so maybe I am a chronic complainer, but I see nothing appealing about this weekend. In Florence there will be playing of computer games, the tv will be on, and then on Sunday there will be fireworks on the horizon...*yawn*. In New Richmond, my mother's family will be gathering in her brother Johnny's yard, singing karaoke, complaining that they want dance music, and drinking. Among the drinkers will include my mother because her family thinks it's funny to give her alcohol to make her act stupid and then expects our dad and her kids to pull her off the table or wherever she has decided would be a good place to dance or urinate. Then they can wag their tongues and fingers at her and us and talk about how lousy and dysfunctional our family is. Meanwhile, in Delhi, I can meet a bunch of people I do not know who do not smoke and do not approve of curse words (both of which I need in order to feel comfortable). There is also a man who has been having a shitty week and is in the worst of moods. I can deal with one or the other. I'm not sure about both.

So my options are shit. Perhaps, I should steal some of my own money that is hoarded by someone else and go out and buy a flask and a fifth of Everclear. Then I can get drunk and have fun no matter where I decide to go. Get good and loaded and people can see the real me. If my sisters had not drank every drop of alcohol in this place, I would start now. I am in no mood to deal with the whining of other people. Like I don't have enough on my own plate. Life sucks. I can't help that. As Craig put it, "Nothing in life is easy, wear a helmet."

Which moves me along to the next gripe. I have, apparently, drawn men to me whom are not sincerely attracted. I'm too tall for Craig. He likes short women because he is short himself. At 5'6", I don't blame him. However, I am only 5'3". I am not towering over anyone except his 4'10" soon-to-be, ex-wife. I am too short for Daryll. He likes tall women for whatever reason. He told me on our second anniversary that he dated a girl who was 5'10" and therefore better looking than I. Then why didn't you stay with her instead of bothering me? And as for Jim, I am the wrong everything for him. He wants a "Jackie": tall, dark hair, no breasts. I am a "Marylin": short, blond, big boobs. In fact, he told me he likes redheads and brunettes. Gee, thanks! Everything I'm not! It gets annoying especially when I have dyed my hair dark brown for a little change. I am a blond. And I will go back to being one. I'm just saying.

So what do they like? My good-natured behavior. Well, I am no saint. I am willing to give emotional support, but I cannot deal with whining like Craig does; I cannot be drained of all my resources in every way and not become exhausted and tapped out as in Daryll's case, and I just cannot play Barbara Streisand's part in "The Mirror Has Two Faces" and not get a little more than pissed off. I want to be someone's perfect girl. I know it isn't going to happen with these men. I am not sure what to do in this situation. I have feelings invested in one person. I am sorry if I am so adverse to the idea that the only thing that he finds attractive about me is that I'm not like the others in my personality. That's not enough to make me feel secure, either. AND, if any of them thought it was a good idea to tell me what they liked in a woman only to for those elements to be things I do not possess...they must have been having one HELL of a big brain fart.

I followed through!

So, I've been losing a bit of weight the last few months. It's fairly evident in my pictures, but even more so when I put on the clothing I was wearing in December. The problem is, that I have almost plateaued. I was losing about 2-3lbs every week. Then something strange happened. My period came ON SCHEDULE!! I actually had a period approximately 1 month after the previous period! And it only lasted 5 days instead of weeks. The bad thing was that I would weigh myself weekly and find a 1lb or no loss. Sooo....

I made up a plan to run as exercise. For me, running is the easiest of exercises. In high school, I was naturally good at it and I'm a very introverted person in real life. I can't shut off my brain. Therefore, running was a good choice for me. The other part of the plan was to eat a BALANCED diet. I'm not a fan of cutting anything out. I think a person can eat whatever they want if they scale back the amount and add other things to their meals. I also DO NOT like frozen or canned meals because they have low grade meat, lots of salt and sugar and they almost ALWAYS contain MSG. You don't have to be a chef to make delicious food that contains proper amounts of nutrients. You just have to think simple and cut out the additional embellishments that contain a lot of fats and sugars. But you don't even have to cut them out all together.

The problem with this idea in my mind is that I have so little control over my life at this point. No time to do anything, fast food, frozen crap, no time for exercise. But last night and this morning, something happened. First, when I was out at the grocery store, I wasn't taking shit from Daryll. I bought what I wanted and moved about the store without paying attention to his complaints.

Actually, we got in an argument and when I went into the gas station on the way back, he took off down the highway to make me think he was leaving me there. Sam must have been crying something terrible because he came back. I had already called my parents from the gas station and told them what was going on. They WERE going to come up to the gas station and take me to the trailer with the cops. Good thing he pulled up before i got off the phone.

Then as we were driving down the road he said something to me and I called what he did "abuse" and he said, "I did it because you slammed the door" (which was a lie; he did it because I told him I wished he would die already). So I got pissed off and screamed, "YOU DON'T FUCKING PUNISH ME! I'M NOT YOUR CHILD!" So he pulled off to the shoulder and told me to get out and I said, "Fuck you." And he said, "I'll wait here all night, then." I said, "I guess you fucking will, then." He got pissed off and drove us back to the trailer. I didn't care. He talked to my parents and didn't say another word to me all night. Went to bed.

I decided this morning to try the running thing. Because it's been a while, I thought I would test myself on 1/2 mile. I didn't think I would do it. I planned on getting out there about half an hour before sunrise for the cool temperature and low traffic. Guess what?! I DID IT!! I couldn't believe it myself! When I got about a quarter of the way in, I thought, "HOLY SHIT, DELLA! You're doing it! You're following through on something healthy!" And you know what else? 1/2 a mile isn't enough. I may rethink that tomorrow if my muscles feel like crap and just redo the 1/2 mile again. But it didn't kill me. The smoker that I am who has been overweight the last 6 years...the goal didn't swamp me. I ran the entire length and barely broke a sweat. It took me all of 5 minutes too. I did stretch and cool down too. I'm thinking about adding in some calesthetics too. Maybe some push-ups and sit-ups or 8 counts. It takes so little time too. I have already showered, sat down to a cup of coffee and wrote all of this.

There has been a change in me. The Della who used to live in this body has come home.

"Never", "Forever", "Maybe"

Well, if YOU read this, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about and likely get offended. But it's something I have to say. I have to get it out of my brain. I really do not understand the shelving of feelings. Is it like a card game? You have to hide what you're holding? Or is it something more devious?

According to the urban dictionary: "A Playa can be male or female and by definition be good at the game they play i.e. playing men or woman to get what they want. Keep in mind a playa does not actually have to be dating someone to be considered a player they must just have you hooked and wanting more."

That's a bit to digest, but basically, a person who is benefiting in some way and feeling nothing. At least that is my interpretation. Benefits come in a variety of elements whether they are sexual or material or both. I always believed a "playa" was someone pretending to be something they are not when in context of relationships that are not platonic. I know someone else who not only believes this as well, but has stated such verbatim.

Now, on to words the Merriam Webster actually defines. "Never" is: "1 : not ever : at no time 2 : not in any degree : not under any condition". Basically, full opposition. "Forever" is: "1 : for a limitless time 2 : at all times : continually". Or something that is infinitely so and describes complete continuance. There is only one word that describes "maybe"..."uncertainty". Sounds weak. I don't believe people are ever uncertain when it comes to whatever they feel or what choice they might make in any given circumstance. Uncertainty is mere politics. In the brain of the "uncertain" human, there is a definite decision. Maybe is a mask. In my opinion, instead of "maybe", there should be a "no" or nothing at all.

I am not angry though I am passionate. I use "never" and "forever" EVERYDAY. I do not hide behind the maybe mask. It just isn't in me to do so. I am an open book. That is why I lack full trust in anyone who does answer "maybe" to important questions. I know that anyone who contends they are not certain is fully certain of an opposing view or belief and has plans they do not wish to divulge.

The maybe people never live happy lives. And the argument of not caring whether one lives a happy life or not is a lie just in context. Happiness is what everyone strives for. When we are not happy, we complain. If you're uncertain, then MAYBE you should start small in your "never"s and "forever"s. I will NEVER lick a poisonous toad. Some scientific laws will remain FOREVER. Then you can move on to more important things like admitting who you are and being real, not some dumb ass PLAYA.

Give and Get

Not to sound like a pompous idiot on her high horse, but I do like to teach life lessons. Even if, sometimes, I will not benefit from those I have taught. There's one lesson that I like to teach that always seems to come around at the end of relationships whether that relationship is friendship, blood relation, or "romantic" (though sometimes that term can be arguable). So here it is.

No matter what your motives are for dong something beneficial for another person, you are doing it for yourself as well. This lesson has two meanings and they are always both applicable. The first, and really just an FYI, is that once you realize this, you can back the hell off once you have done something nice for someone. You needn't remind them or else you have erased the good deed. You ultimately did do it for yourself as well. Not everyone will admit to believing in "karma", but whether or not it is a conscious thought, usually people will think to themselves: "If that were me, I would want help". That is how it is. Unless you are concerned about something more pressing at hand or you are a sociopath, when someone is in need of assistance, you provide it because you would want the same. It's the golden rule and we humans have had it pounded into our heads since birth. People help other people for themselves as much as they do for the other person. Whether that is a favor to be returned or just because it makes them feel good. Everyone gets benefits.

The next lesson, and a very important one, is that if someone else does something for you, they are likely to enjoy the same from you. This is the flip side of the coin. The former lesson is about the giver. This one shall be about the receiver. It does not necessarily have anything to do with money. It is more about going out of ones way. If I were to perform a task that I did not need to perform, and especially one that is out of my character, it is a favor or a good deed. Yes, I received the "feel goods" knowing I had made the other person happy in some way. But like all beings, it is what I would have wanted had I been in the same situation.

Instead of rambling, why don't I get to the point? If someone gives you something, appreciate it. If someone does something for you, try to pay them back accordingly. And remember that even if it is outside your character to behave in a like manner, it will still make that other person so happy if you return the favor. Otherwise, he or she may not have done it for you in the first place. Unsolicited or begged for, your fellow man wants to be appreciated. So do it, already.

A rant

I just can't get away from ranting. It is who I am. I'm an angry person, I guess. So read it or don't, but don't foist your values on me. It would be a waste of your time.

Something I don't understand about contemporary men: in reality, they are attracted to teenage boys. Let's examine this. In the 40s, 50s and 60s, anything that was feminine was considered attractive to a heterosexual man. Look at Marylin Monroe. Blonde hair, curvy figure, large breasts. Even down to the stuff they wore: dresses, stockings, heels. Now, men go nuts over dark hair, skinny bodies with little to no breasts, and the whole jeans and t-shirt look...basically, a 14-year-old boy. For a girl like me, who THOUGHT, being told at that awkward early-teen age that men would be more appreciative of her looks when she got older, it's like finding out your winning ticket was expired. Thanks, contemporary media.

But the slap in the face is being with someone who likes those things but is with you despite the fact you have NONE of those characteristics. I'm not a Jackie. I'm a Marylin. Now I look like a Marylin trying to be a Jackie. I'm never dying my hair again. I still know I'm a blonde. I just feel like a fool trying to be someone else.

There's a lot of things I'm not. I'm not a gamer. I'm not a red head or a brunette. I don't get into anime or sci-fi, and I studied nursing instead of computers. I will NEVER be a geek or nerd's dream. But there are a lot of things that I am that OTHER men might appreciate more than any of the guys I've been with. I'm a fun blonde with big boobs who likes to have sex on the regular and is also smart, educated, caring, logical, and so many other things. It's NOT me. It's who I end up with. I fuckin' rock. Anyone who can't recognize this, doesn't even deserve what he would really like let alone someone as awesome as me.

So here we go again.

I don't like writing the first entry in a blog. I feel compelled to explain my life in detail and go on and on about every interest and minute character quality or flaw. If you found this, you were either looking, or you know me. So on we go.

I'm not new to blogging. I have another blog that is enormous where I rant and vent and constantly over analyze EVERYTHING. (Okay, so I will point out my own character flaws. But this is my blog, so, meh.) I have a lot going on in my life and I feel like even though I would love to tackle the challenges I face, I'm sort of crippled in my environment and resources. Sure, I'm not handicapped. I'm college educated. I have family. Sometimes, that's still not enough. For me, it's like trying to write a paper without using the letter 'e'.

I find that I am unhappy with humanity. We're such base creatures. We can build on our technology, learn more and more about the elements of our existence, theorize, philosophize, categorize. But deep down...we're still animals. That's depressing. If there is a choice to be made with no consequences, we will always choose the tangible over those phenomena that are abstract. Things like love and altruism can be reduced to mere chemical reactions in the brain due to neurotransmitters and peptides. But what triggers these reactions? Something is said or done or is or was in the concrete world outside the box that is our brain. It happened or is happening or exists! That cannot be ignored in the sterile equation of science.

Why are we who we are? Why do we do what we do? Why do we like what we like? What makes a human being so intricately different than any other human being?