Women! Ugh! I swear I'm going to either grow a penis, or just find a bunch of guys that wouldn't mind welcoming me into their circle for nonsexual entertainment. I have been laying in my bed for over 3 hours attempting sleep. But I am so pissed off, I can't fall asleep!
I ended up not having a Christmas. It started back a few weeks, when I was told I would have to work Christmas. I was understandably angry after having worked Christmas last year at the same job. My boyfriend's family did everything they could to take a stab at me knowing it made me angry. Like, "at least you have a job to go to" or "think of all those who have it worse". FUCK YOU! OKAY?! Carie, next time you think, "Boohoo! My husband left me for my best friend." Think to yourself, "Someone else is being cheated on all the time and doesn't even KNOW her husband is messing around with her best friend." Jean, next time you think, "Boohoo! My husband died." Remember that you had over 30 years of being with a man who built you a perfect world your hermit-ass never has to leave. You also have my boyfriend, who happens to be your son. You forced him into some kind of marriage with YOU, sicko!
My boyfriend. Ha! Barely lives up to the claim. I set up "guidelines" to bring our status back to where we were a year ago: he's not allowed to have a drawer in my house; no staying more than two consecutive days in a row; decreased texting; no holidays/birthdays/special occasions together. He said he was bothered by it...then he did a good job hiding that. Because of the bullshit he spat, my Christmas was shit. Then he tried to guilt me by standing up for his smother on my Facebook page. OH MY FUCKING GOD!! You don't say two words to my posts any other time. But when I say something about her, you get all indignant and write a paragraph on my post! AND, you try to make ME out to be the bad person because you stayed at your mother's to "take her to my father's grave". There was no other time for that?! Had to be done at 2pm, when your mother gets up at the crack of fucking dawn? She had to cut into the time, right? Wanted to edge me out so that even though you left MY house at 2pm on Christmas Eve, you wouldn't even be leaving there until AFTER 2pm.
I got her fucking Christmas card. She was careful to choose one that did not say, "Have a Merry Christmas". She also signed it, "Love, Mom and Jim"...you guys ARE a couple, I see. The thing that pisses me off the most, though...how much I have done and sacrificed for you. Your mother has your dad's money. She didn't go to work everyday and work to save. He did. She's generous, alright. So she can use it to guilt you. What would your dad say? Would he have left your mother alone on the holidays to be with his own mother? Would he have wanted to be the reason you didn't spend time with me? I HIGHLY doubt it.
Well, guess what? She's not the only one who spent a ton of money on you. I don't recall birthday gifts from her...course, she was alright giving you up for that day. A day YOU deemed important. I didn't buy you a lot for Christmas, because I had decided to boycott the whole fucking thing. But THE VERY NIGHT I gave in to your Christmas tree bullshit, you sprung it on me that you were leaving my house early on Christmas Eve and would not be able to take me to work.
That's okay. I may have already booked the reservation for a fancy hotel in Indianapolis, but I can still receive my money back. And there's 2 months to do so. Perhaps we are not serious enough for the Sybaris. That's really more for a serious couple. I don't even know if we are, or WERE, serious enough for the Radisson in Covington.
Envy is not a possession. It's a monster that grows and consumes and breeds hatred. You and your charming mother have planted the seed.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Pushing 30
This has been on my mind for a while, but I haven't given into it. I'm two months shy of my 29th birthday. Then I start the one year count-down to leaving my twenties. I'll be thirty in only a little over a year. I've heard from a couple MEN that it's no big deal. Oh, really? Of course it's not a big deal to a person who's hormonal and reproductive systems can stay in perpetual homeostasis all their lives, even if they live to be in their 90s! Or to someone who knows, without a doubt, what they DON'T want. But for someone like me, who's not sure what they want in their future, and certainly does not entertain the idea of keeping things exactly the way they are, the idea of turning 30 is frightening.
It doesn't seem all that long ago that I turned 19. My adulthood didn't really start until about then as my overbearing parental units guarded my every move as a child and a teenager. I stayed with them until I went to boot camp about three months before I turned 18, so I remained in my continued role as a guarded teenager in all aspects of my life and did not gain control of my major decisions until after I left boot camp and became a fledgeling adult 600 miles away from my previous gate keepers. I had so many plans, and none of them turned out right. In fact, as soon as I became an adult, I wanted to cut to the chase and end the life that had just begun.
After the Navy came a whirlwind relationship that took me from some form of dating reminiscent of high school children, to a married, pregnant woman in less than a year. I did not miss out on being young. I had my fill of empty entertainment that I did not feel had injected any meaning or enrichment into my life. But I made a big mistake marrying someone I could not say I was ever really in love with, and for making that mistake, he made me very miserable. He controlled my every aspect of life worse than my own parents had when I was a child. He did prove to me, though, exactly how empty my parents' protection really was.
I have come pretty far from where I was in life 10 years ago. However, this is NOT what I want. I do not feel fulfilled in my part-time life. I need physical and mental security and comfort. The life I lead feels very meaningless and empty. It's a boring life that still seems to drain the life force out of me while leaving me feeling quite empty. I feel lonely and as though I have nothing to look forward to. It doesn't help that I cannot share this with the one person with whom I am the closest, as he is dead-set AGAINST any advances in his own life and would likely not only cringe at any large changes, he might also disappear once any changes started to take form.
I know our time is nearly up. I can feel it. We're just not compatible. And after being controlled for so long, I not only need the freedom to direct my own life, I need to finally find someone more compatible, who will not only welcome certain goals or anticipated events, but will appreciate them as well.
It doesn't seem all that long ago that I turned 19. My adulthood didn't really start until about then as my overbearing parental units guarded my every move as a child and a teenager. I stayed with them until I went to boot camp about three months before I turned 18, so I remained in my continued role as a guarded teenager in all aspects of my life and did not gain control of my major decisions until after I left boot camp and became a fledgeling adult 600 miles away from my previous gate keepers. I had so many plans, and none of them turned out right. In fact, as soon as I became an adult, I wanted to cut to the chase and end the life that had just begun.
After the Navy came a whirlwind relationship that took me from some form of dating reminiscent of high school children, to a married, pregnant woman in less than a year. I did not miss out on being young. I had my fill of empty entertainment that I did not feel had injected any meaning or enrichment into my life. But I made a big mistake marrying someone I could not say I was ever really in love with, and for making that mistake, he made me very miserable. He controlled my every aspect of life worse than my own parents had when I was a child. He did prove to me, though, exactly how empty my parents' protection really was.
I have come pretty far from where I was in life 10 years ago. However, this is NOT what I want. I do not feel fulfilled in my part-time life. I need physical and mental security and comfort. The life I lead feels very meaningless and empty. It's a boring life that still seems to drain the life force out of me while leaving me feeling quite empty. I feel lonely and as though I have nothing to look forward to. It doesn't help that I cannot share this with the one person with whom I am the closest, as he is dead-set AGAINST any advances in his own life and would likely not only cringe at any large changes, he might also disappear once any changes started to take form.
I know our time is nearly up. I can feel it. We're just not compatible. And after being controlled for so long, I not only need the freedom to direct my own life, I need to finally find someone more compatible, who will not only welcome certain goals or anticipated events, but will appreciate them as well.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
It's Us
I need this. I need to be able to say everything on my mind. I feel like insanity is setting in. The fair weather people I know get pissed off if I don't update everyone with nice, happy sentiments. Well, fuck you! I'm NOT you. I don't talk about all the wonder and splendor there is when I'm fucking miserable. The earth's mantle will freeze the day I kiss someone's ass. Especially someone so insignificant as the sister of my boyfriend. I do NOT concede that I am wrong in the little games his mother likes to play.
So...now that I have had a hissy fit, let's just analyze what happened. It started on Thanksgiving, when I received an invitation from his mother to make her a family member. Being momentarily naive, I clicked "allow", and it was given to me the choice as to what to make her. I chose "mother". I went to page to see if it went through, and what do I find? My boyfriend's ex-wife is listed as her "daughter-in-law" and has blocked me (this is evident as I can no longer click on her link). It was a slap in the face, since my boyfriend did not even come to see me after she went to bed and stayed the night there. I let it slide. I was, of course, annoyed. Everyone I've spoken to about this has said they would have said something right then and there. But I was attempting to show what an adult I happen to be.
Then, at work, I am told I will have to work Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the day after Christmas. I was down about it, and even cancelled Christmas for me. I decided I would not put up a tree, buy or accept gifts for anyone but my daughter, and the next available day after my long weekend, I was going to be alone with my daughter. My boyfriend seemed to be upset about my change of plans and wanted to turn things around, which caused issues between us. So, I made a peace offering. Earlier, I had said I was going to do a tree, and he was excited about it, then I took it back and said Christmas was cancelled. So while he was away, I went out and spent a ton of money on a tree, etc. and even endured the misery of getting it home. I typed out in large alternating red and green font, "So Baby, Will you "merry" me?" And this seemed to make him happy. It was my invitation for him to put the spirit back into me.
But what should happen? On the night we're putting up the tree, he tells me he won't even be able to take me to work as he usually does every other Saturday night that I have to work, because he will have to leave early to go to his mother's. Wonderful. Understandably, that did NOT make me very merry. So I told myself, "fuck it all", and told him not to come over at all the two days before Christmas Eve, not to visit me at work, and not to even show up the day after. It was not because I was mad at him, but I could not see a good way for us to part that would not upset me. When I posted to Facebook about being angry about my schedule for the holidays, his sister posted some snide comments about how I was missing the meaning of Christmas. Whatever, bitch. You're only saying that cause you'll be with him for the holidays. The difference is, I would have actually been HAPPY he was there, where she will take it for granted.
Then I noticed something. His ex-wife was listed as his sister's sister. Hmm...that's odd. Then she started blatantly taking jabs at my private life, and people were DEFENDING HER! Including her aunt...who has his ex-wife...listed as her NIECE! It all came clear. But when my boyfriend's niece attempted to friend me, I blocked them all. It was only TODAY that I went to his mother's page and noted that she was eating up the attention. She posted, "you don't know what lonely is". Oh yea? I think I do. All these 30-something years you had a HUSBAND who not only worked for a living and provided you with a family and ensured you wouldn't have to leave the house, he loved you too and was devoted to YOU. What do I have? I have your son 3 days a week, and you cut in cause you were so sheltered for so long, you don't know how to be independent. (Side note: THANK GOD that didn't happen to me with my miserable marriage.) So, for 3 days a week, I sit in an office most of the 12 hours I'm at work...alone. I come home to an empty house, eat a meal alone, and sleep alone in my giant bed. 1 day a week I sit in my bed all day hoping to just fall asleep. And 3 days a week, I have your son.
Your son. I chose that wording. Because he's more your son than he is anything to me. I love him deeply. But we have no kind of future together. He'll never cut the umbilical cord; he'll never be independent; we'll never get married; never have kids; never be a family. So that's it, then. That's what's really wrong. This has never happened while I was writing a blog. I just figured out the problem. It's not them. It's us.
So...now that I have had a hissy fit, let's just analyze what happened. It started on Thanksgiving, when I received an invitation from his mother to make her a family member. Being momentarily naive, I clicked "allow", and it was given to me the choice as to what to make her. I chose "mother". I went to page to see if it went through, and what do I find? My boyfriend's ex-wife is listed as her "daughter-in-law" and has blocked me (this is evident as I can no longer click on her link). It was a slap in the face, since my boyfriend did not even come to see me after she went to bed and stayed the night there. I let it slide. I was, of course, annoyed. Everyone I've spoken to about this has said they would have said something right then and there. But I was attempting to show what an adult I happen to be.
Then, at work, I am told I will have to work Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the day after Christmas. I was down about it, and even cancelled Christmas for me. I decided I would not put up a tree, buy or accept gifts for anyone but my daughter, and the next available day after my long weekend, I was going to be alone with my daughter. My boyfriend seemed to be upset about my change of plans and wanted to turn things around, which caused issues between us. So, I made a peace offering. Earlier, I had said I was going to do a tree, and he was excited about it, then I took it back and said Christmas was cancelled. So while he was away, I went out and spent a ton of money on a tree, etc. and even endured the misery of getting it home. I typed out in large alternating red and green font, "So Baby, Will you "merry" me?" And this seemed to make him happy. It was my invitation for him to put the spirit back into me.
But what should happen? On the night we're putting up the tree, he tells me he won't even be able to take me to work as he usually does every other Saturday night that I have to work, because he will have to leave early to go to his mother's. Wonderful. Understandably, that did NOT make me very merry. So I told myself, "fuck it all", and told him not to come over at all the two days before Christmas Eve, not to visit me at work, and not to even show up the day after. It was not because I was mad at him, but I could not see a good way for us to part that would not upset me. When I posted to Facebook about being angry about my schedule for the holidays, his sister posted some snide comments about how I was missing the meaning of Christmas. Whatever, bitch. You're only saying that cause you'll be with him for the holidays. The difference is, I would have actually been HAPPY he was there, where she will take it for granted.
Then I noticed something. His ex-wife was listed as his sister's sister. Hmm...that's odd. Then she started blatantly taking jabs at my private life, and people were DEFENDING HER! Including her aunt...who has his ex-wife...listed as her NIECE! It all came clear. But when my boyfriend's niece attempted to friend me, I blocked them all. It was only TODAY that I went to his mother's page and noted that she was eating up the attention. She posted, "you don't know what lonely is". Oh yea? I think I do. All these 30-something years you had a HUSBAND who not only worked for a living and provided you with a family and ensured you wouldn't have to leave the house, he loved you too and was devoted to YOU. What do I have? I have your son 3 days a week, and you cut in cause you were so sheltered for so long, you don't know how to be independent. (Side note: THANK GOD that didn't happen to me with my miserable marriage.) So, for 3 days a week, I sit in an office most of the 12 hours I'm at work...alone. I come home to an empty house, eat a meal alone, and sleep alone in my giant bed. 1 day a week I sit in my bed all day hoping to just fall asleep. And 3 days a week, I have your son.
Your son. I chose that wording. Because he's more your son than he is anything to me. I love him deeply. But we have no kind of future together. He'll never cut the umbilical cord; he'll never be independent; we'll never get married; never have kids; never be a family. So that's it, then. That's what's really wrong. This has never happened while I was writing a blog. I just figured out the problem. It's not them. It's us.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)