It's Us

I need this. I need to be able to say everything on my mind. I feel like insanity is setting in. The fair weather people I know get pissed off if I don't update everyone with nice, happy sentiments. Well, fuck you! I'm NOT you. I don't talk about all the wonder and splendor there is when I'm fucking miserable. The earth's mantle will freeze the day I kiss someone's ass. Especially someone so insignificant as the sister of my boyfriend. I do NOT concede that I am wrong in the little games his mother likes to play.

So...now that I have had a hissy fit, let's just analyze what happened. It started on Thanksgiving, when I received an invitation from his mother to make her a family member. Being momentarily naive, I clicked "allow", and it was given to me the choice as to what to make her. I chose "mother". I went to page to see if it went through, and what do I find? My boyfriend's ex-wife is listed as her "daughter-in-law" and has blocked me (this is evident as I can no longer click on her link). It was a slap in the face, since my boyfriend did not even come to see me after she went to bed and stayed the night there. I let it slide. I was, of course, annoyed. Everyone I've spoken to about this has said they would have said something right then and there. But I was attempting to show what an adult I happen to be.

Then, at work, I am told I will have to work Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the day after Christmas. I was down about it, and even cancelled Christmas for me. I decided I would not put up a tree, buy or accept gifts for anyone but my daughter, and the next available day after my long weekend, I was going to be alone with my daughter. My boyfriend seemed to be upset about my change of plans and wanted to turn things around, which caused issues between us. So, I made a peace offering. Earlier, I had said I was going to do a tree, and he was excited about it, then I took it back and said Christmas was cancelled. So while he was away, I went out and spent a ton of money on a tree, etc. and even endured the misery of getting it home. I typed out in large alternating red and green font, "So Baby, Will you "merry" me?" And this seemed to make him happy. It was my invitation for him to put the spirit back into me.

But what should happen? On the night we're putting up the tree, he tells me he won't even be able to take me to work as he usually does every other Saturday night that I have to work, because he will have to leave early to go to his mother's. Wonderful. Understandably, that did NOT make me very merry. So I told myself, "fuck it all", and told him not to come over at all the two days before Christmas Eve, not to visit me at work, and not to even show up the day after. It was not because I was mad at him, but I could not see a good way for us to part that would not upset me. When I posted to Facebook about being angry about my schedule for the holidays, his sister posted some snide comments about how I was missing the meaning of Christmas. Whatever, bitch. You're only saying that cause you'll be with him for the holidays. The difference is, I would have actually been HAPPY he was there, where she will take it for granted.

Then I noticed something. His ex-wife was listed as his sister's sister. Hmm...that's odd. Then she started blatantly taking jabs at my private life, and people were DEFENDING HER! Including her aunt...who has his ex-wife...listed as her NIECE! It all came clear. But when my boyfriend's niece attempted to friend me, I blocked them all. It was only TODAY that I went to his mother's page and noted that she was eating up the attention. She posted, "you don't know what lonely is". Oh yea? I think I do. All these 30-something years you had a HUSBAND who not only worked for a living and provided you with a family and ensured you wouldn't have to leave the house, he loved you too and was devoted to YOU. What do I have? I have your son 3 days a week, and you cut in cause you were so sheltered for so long, you don't know how to be independent. (Side note: THANK GOD that didn't happen to me with my miserable marriage.) So, for 3 days a week, I sit in an office most of the 12 hours I'm at work...alone. I come home to an empty house, eat a meal alone, and sleep alone in my giant bed. 1 day a week I sit in my bed all day hoping to just fall asleep. And 3 days a week, I have your son.

Your son. I chose that wording. Because he's more your son than he is anything to me. I love him deeply. But we have no kind of future together. He'll never cut the umbilical cord; he'll never be independent; we'll never get married; never have kids; never be a family. So that's it, then. That's what's really wrong. This has never happened while I was writing a blog. I just figured out the problem. It's not them. It's us.