Pushing 30

This has been on my mind for a while, but I haven't given into it. I'm two months shy of my 29th birthday. Then I start the one year count-down to leaving my twenties. I'll be thirty in only a little over a year. I've heard from a couple MEN that it's no big deal. Oh, really? Of course it's not a big deal to a person who's hormonal and reproductive systems can stay in perpetual homeostasis all their lives, even if they live to be in their 90s! Or to someone who knows, without a doubt, what they DON'T want. But for someone like me, who's not sure what they want in their future, and certainly does not entertain the idea of keeping things exactly the way they are, the idea of turning 30 is frightening.

It doesn't seem all that long ago that I turned 19. My adulthood didn't really start until about then as my overbearing parental units guarded my every move as a child and a teenager. I stayed with them until I went to boot camp about three months before I turned 18, so I remained in my continued role as a guarded teenager in all aspects of my life and did not gain control of my major decisions until after I left boot camp and became a fledgeling adult 600 miles away from my previous gate keepers. I had so many plans, and none of them turned out right. In fact, as soon as I became an adult, I wanted to cut to the chase and end the life that had just begun.

After the Navy came a whirlwind relationship that took me from some form of dating reminiscent of high school children, to a married, pregnant woman in less than a year. I did not miss out on being young. I had my fill of empty entertainment that I did not feel had injected any meaning or enrichment into my life. But I made a big mistake marrying someone I could not say I was ever really in love with, and for making that mistake, he made me very miserable. He controlled my every aspect of life worse than my own parents had when I was a child. He did prove to me, though, exactly how empty my parents' protection really was.

I have come pretty far from where I was in life 10 years ago. However, this is NOT what I want. I do not feel fulfilled in my part-time life. I need physical and mental security and comfort. The life I lead feels very meaningless and empty. It's a boring life that still seems to drain the life force out of me while leaving me feeling quite empty. I feel lonely and as though I have nothing to look forward to. It doesn't help that I cannot share this with the one person with whom I am the closest, as he is dead-set AGAINST any advances in his own life and would likely not only cringe at any large changes, he might also disappear once any changes started to take form.

I know our time is nearly up. I can feel it. We're just not compatible. And after being controlled for so long, I not only need the freedom to direct my own life, I need to finally find someone more compatible, who will not only welcome certain goals or anticipated events, but will appreciate them as well.